Did Vince Get The Job?

Well, it looks very good. The County of Santa Clara has emailed Vince saying that they are only hung up on a salary approval.  That sounds very much like he's in.  They did tell him what the salary is and what the benefits are, so I am hopeful that they would not do that unless they are serious about him.  If this happens, it would be the most money Vince has ever earned and would mean the end of our struggles.  My goodness what an exciting thing

One less tooth

Oh What a day!  This nagging toohache turned into a full blown pain machine!  I could see how, in the not too distant past, people would commit suicide rather than endure a major toothache.  Yes  I neglected it, yes the dentist terrifies me.  But my last dentist really ripped me off.  She managed to deplete my dental insurance  maximum on cleanings!  Thats right, she had my teeth cleaned three times while telling me she would not deal with the tooth because it was too broken.  She recommended I see an oral surgeon to do it!  Except she didn't bother to recommend an actual orals surgeon.  Just that the type of dentist I need.  Not only did she not bother to help me find help for the tooth, she did no work on me at all.  Even the laser cleaning was not done by her, she just left me hanging with the pain.  So I called 1800-dentist and they found me an awesome female dentist who extracted the tooth in less than two minutes with no problem. She was nice, effective and honest.  I had to pay for it, but it only cost me 220 dollars and I like her so much now she will be my permanent dentist, and she will do all of the cosmetic and restorative work.

Thanks Ms. Ngyuen!  I think she's great!  So,,,,,,Since there is a whole in my mouth besides my mouth, I'm not gonna right much now.  OH the Agony!

History Will Be Made

The vote has been cast.  The healthcare bill has been approved.  And while its just a fragile victory, it has galvanized a movement to give the citizens of this country the fundamental right to healthcare coverage.  No longer do we have to suffer with the fear of becoming catastrophically ill  with no safety net.  I am proud of Nancy Pelosi for bearing the burden of this bill on her shoulders.  She has become an object of hatred and scorn yet continues to lead effectively.

How many of us have sought employment simply because the healthcare benefits are good?  How many of us have had to worry about loosing that job because we fear having no healthcare?  And finally, how many of us have ever known what its like to not have health care?

Its a fact that people who have health insurance are actually healthier than people who do not. I am ashamed of the hostile opposition to this issue.  These hateful, angry, ugly people should suffer without health insurance themselves for all the nastiness they have spread around.  They are a disgusting virus that spreads itself by attacking good people and attempting to destroy them in their tracks.  My prayer is that their mouths are silenced, but I know that will never happen.

I have lived for years with chronic illness.  I have lived many years without health insurance.  I know first hand what its like to fight for healthcare.  Likewise, I know what its like to be denied health coverage.  It is a humiliating place to be.  

Peace be with you!

Facebook Free

Ive permanently said goodbye to facebook. Its like sending your children off to college only less expensive.

I started feeling my political and social commentary were getting a bit personal and heated on facebook. While I wish to challenge people to think, I do not want to throw too much of my liberal pie in the innocent onlookers face. Here, I can rant and rave all a I want.

I finding writing to be cathartic. Likewise, I find writing which others my read to be even more cathartic. Life is too short and times are too troubled to simply be quiet. To be polite. Many of the issues facing the people of the U.S. are exciting, upsetting and require speaking out. I hope to do that here and on twitter with the comfort of knowing Im not offending young viewers:)

Stay tuned, welcome.

Let it Out

I havent written in quite a while.  Busy, lazy, depressed.  Probably all of those.  Yet when I feel completely full, brimming with fear and anxiety, I find it theraputic to write.

Throughout my life I have kept journals.  I have journals dating back to the 80's.  Its interesting that twenty years later I still write about the same things.  And, just like in the past, I have long dry spells of no writing.  

But alas I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.  This is usually a sign that something major needs to change in my life and I am resisting it.  Its obvious to me that I have fallen into a rut and cannot get out.  This rut started when I moved to San Jose and began working at The Academy.  I am happy in San Jose.  But the day I started at The Academy, my life took on a level of stress and unhappiness that I have still not completely let go.  The negativity, hatefulness, selfishness, backstabbing and horrible lack of gratitude that I experienced there really took its toll on me.  Combine that with being laid off, paying a huge mortgage, seeing your spouse laid off and trying to navigate the worst enconomy in my life and you have the source of my anxiety and depression.

First, I have stopped working out.  Loosing the motivation and not being able to afford the gym any longer has made me lazy and sickly.  I see myself looking skinny, weak and tired.  I've lost most of my body and am starting to feel the effects of a bad diet, chain smoking and inactivity. This leads to poor mental health, low self esteme and illness.  Although I never speak about it I feel it deeply and it makes me very sad.  I find myself unable or unwilling to focus on anything for too long and sometimes feel like just giving up.   My outsides and my insides are starting to match.  Its getting harder and harder to motivate myself.  

There are many wonderful and happy things that have happened in my life this year.  And in spite of everything I am very grateful for my salon.  For Vince and for the strength of our relationship.  We have really propped each other up through a very dark and ugly year.  I am now starting to see just a tiny bit of light.  We have gotten our mortgage reduced by half.  Vince is interveiwing with two companies that pay well and offer great benefits.  The salon is really holding its own after only three months.   Now more than ever I have reason to feel happy.

So by putting this out there, I am acknowledging whats going on.   I've been in this place many years ago. So I know what I need to do.  Theres always a new day.  A new oportunity.  Without getting too sugary and self help bookish. 

Just to Say Thanks.

I've never experienced a recession quite like this.  Its slow, menacing and takes few prisoners.  I'm watching as it devours many people around me.  Including me.  Including Vince.  My positive outlook on life is being challenged.  I understand and am ok with the fact that my business is new and needs to grow legs.  So far, the feedback has been great. Although I've had a few slow days, overall Orange Crush Studios is holding its own.  But my partner in life, the person I love infinitely is suffering big time.  The day he walked in the house holding the few belongings he brought from his work cubicle.  The moment I saw him standing in the hallway at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday, I fell to the floor crying.  The look on his face.  The sweetness, the sadness.  It was more than I could take.  I knew at that moment he was beaten.  The monster got him.  Now he bartends just to bring home a bit of cash.  He cleans the bar for extra money.  He is paralyzed by fear.  I cant begin to describe how this makes me feel.  We had so much potential.  Big plans.  Security.  Now its gone.  

I'd like to say I am optimistic.  On some level I suppose I am, simply because I have no choice.  I believe in Vince.  He is a good man and a very hard worker.  But we are scared shitless.  

I'm writing this because its the only way I get some relief.  We are ordinary people who just want to earn a living. My heart goes out to everyone who has worked so hard only to have the rug pulled out from under them.  

This has been a difficult post.  But I love Vince with all my heart and truly pray that he will find a good job.  There must some good to balance out all the bad.  I pray that my salon will be so successful that I am amble to take care of both us without worry.  

But we vowed to weather the storm together.  We vowed to support each other in good times and bad.  Whatever I can do to ease this burden, give me the strength to do.

Depression Steals The Show!

Hello, 

Its late, 12:31 AM on Saturday.  I just left my bar tending job at Renegades.  I usually work there on Friday nights and the first Sunday of the month for club "Butch"  the bear club.  Even though I'm tired from working all day at the salon, I really do not mind working at the bar on Friday nights.  As long as I leave around midnight, I'm happy to be there because I get to work with Vince and I get to see all the regulars.  Its a local, neighborhood bar that serves great drinks at a low price with no frills.  Its a true bar-bar.  Nothing fancy, a pool table, some pinball machines, darts and a smoking patio.  

What makes Renegades so great is the fact that no one really judges you by your looks, your clothes, your hair or your shoes.  There is a big picnic table out back and all the regulars sit around the table, smoking their cigarettes and discussing just about anything from politics to gay rights.  Maybe they are one in the same.  The table would be surrounded by some of the most unattractive men on the planet.  Each with varying degrees of scirosis and lung cancer.  Drinking and smoking away while discussing whatever current event or tidbit of news that made the headlines that week.  I could walk out there to clean an ashtray, take a drink order or have my non-existent ass squeezed.  Promises of love and marriage or hot sex from a bunch of genuinely nice, ugly men.  I look forward to seeing them.  Look forward to the familiar voices and faces.  Somehow it just feels incredibly honest and sweet.  I have my register and Vince has the main.  He'd bark at me for spending too much outside smoking and that would be true.  And while I truly worry that one of these guys will not make it to the "little shop of horrors" weekly round table, I sincerely worry when one is missing for more than a week. "Did she drive her plymouth off a cliff".  Na, there's a true affection here and I'm always glad I showed up.    Rarely do couples get the chance to work together.  Vince is a master bartender.  Not only does he make a great drink, he makes a great listener, confidant, friend.  I just step back, take orders and attempt to mimic him.  I've always wanted to learn to bar tend.  Sexy ya know. Well maybe twenty years ago when I felt the same.  Its a job, tips are good and people look forward to seeing you.  Cant complain.

So now I'm home.  It's 1:12 am.  Nows when the unexpected guest arrives.  Depression with a capital D.  MY depression is different than your depression.  It's more pressing, more urgent.  It screams "pay attention to me now goddamnit!  :)  Depression, the executioner of joy.  The uninvited party guest.  Depression steals the show.

Its not because its late, because I'm tired, because I get to spend the night in a place where people are trying to drink it away or go to bed with it.  It's just there.  Quiet and patient.  Waiting for all the positive thoughts to vanish into ether.  Foreboding and omnipresent.  This blog entry is not meant to be sad or, depressing. HA!   It's meant to shine a light on what is always there, somewhere.  I grew up with it, my family suffers it, most of the world experiences it.  So alas Im not alone.  What I'm writing about is really just to publicly acknowledge it.   "Hey everybody Lonnie gets depressed"!  Trying to take the teeth out of it so it doesn't eat me.  I think depression moves across all socioeconomic borders.  Come on, you can't tell me Paris Hilton wasn't depressed when she landed in the slammer.  Without her cute lap dog.  Even if it was for a minute.  We all face it.  Sometimes mine is just a stinker.  But when it comes, it sucks all the potential out of everything.  All the fun. During the day I can work to keep it at bay.  Poke it with a stick if you will.  But at night Im utterly defenseless.  Vince can see it on me.  I have no rational reason for feeling depressed.  But then again, is it really about rationality?  

I think my depression stems from my skill at making myself feel unworthy of love.  Questioning every action and motive of  anyone says anything nice.  "How can you really like me?"  "I'm really a fraud, a fake, a charlatan.  When you  figure this out you'll be out of here.  My depression makes me feel unworthy of love. So the question is where and when do I let it go?  At what point do I say to myself "hey, your a great guy"?  And believe it.  So complex, so simple.  The brain is a powerful organ.  There's much I'm still figuring out.  I guess I'll just acknowledge it for now .  It's all an illusion.

I've never written a blog before.  Never put myself there for criticism.  I'll wake up tomorrow and start over again.   

Life is Empty without Love

I've cried at least three times a week.  Possibly everyday.  I cry because I see the love of my life sad and afraid.  I cry because life can be very cruel.  Why do so many people suffer?  

My problems are mosquito bite on an elephants ass compared to many, many people.  Its hard to put in perspective how bad some people have it.  Many days I feel guilty simply for feeling down. How dare I feel sad when my partner gets laid off and we teeter on the edge of complete loss. Should  I not fear what will happen if my business fails?  If I cant earn a living because people just are not showing up in city busses and lining up for a 60 dollar haircut?  What's my problem? There are people who are starving, people who are homeless. People who by mere birth have every odd stacked against them.  I can no longer be convinced that there is some divine being out there looking out for his flock.  In the past I have always been the first one to accept the presence of the divine.  Jesus, Allah, God, Brahma,  I've tried them all.  I've prayed, chanted, sang, danced, screamed, meditated, lit candles, read holy books, spoke in tongues, fasted, feasted,  fed the poor.  I HAVE a religious history:)  Yet as I look around and see the systematic destruction of the poor and working class by the powerful, elite, bullies of this world, all faith in GOD vanishes.  

So when my heart is at its most fragile, and my strength at its lowest I look into the eyes of the man I have committed my life to and find my god.  My faith.  Suddenly I'm not afraid.  Love is really god.  Silly, maybe.  Cliche, Si!  Simple.............of course!  The human capacity to love is what separates us from amphibians.  And not just love, but trust and believe in.  Frogs really do not trust each other.  

If I had nothing left, I'd have Vince.  If illness ruins me financially, I still have Vince.  When I'm old, ugly and poop my britches, I will always have Vince!

We all have someone who love us.  We all have someone who loves us.  

Maybe its not a partner, husband, wife, spouse.  Maybe its a mom, dad, auntie, friend, friends, family.  We do not go it alone.  

The loss of all financial and material stuff will not kill me.  The fear of the loss of all financial and material stuff will also not kill me.  If I have my health I can get these things back.  As my high school choir teacher Joan Lamb says "no one ever said it was going to be easy".  

Look Around.  Take a moment to look at the face of the person you love.  Look a little longer than you might normally.  That is God.

If I lose people, If I lose love, life is empty.

Watching Democracy Die

Its Sunday evening and Im sitting in my backyard listening to the crickets chirp and enjoying the cool night.  Its been a long week.  I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo.  Starting a new business.  Praying that it succeeds.  Witnessing my partner Vince become overwhelmed by the fear of us loosing everything.  Thanks to this awful recession.  Thanks to our neutered politicians. Bickering and infighting while our nation slides slowly off a cliff.  Watching the livelihoods of millions of hardworking people be destroyed by selfish banks, powerful corporate lobbyists and greedy health insurance giants.  

What is happening to us? How will we recover from something so nasty when the people who lead us have become concerned only with protecting their own self interest.  Sacrificing the meek so the powerful can keep what they have.  Instead of true dialogue and intellectual debate town hall meetings have been replaced with screaming matches and threats of violence.  Politeness and civility has been crushed by puppets with an agenda.  Its more American to scream than to listen.  If your not angry, your not patriotic.  The media shows images of frightening confrontations by hostile protesters doing their best to destroy constructive discussion.  Watching democracy die.  Watching as the political process is obliterated by ignorant people acting as mouth pieces for the conservative agenda.  The god loving people who would rather save themselves than show compassion for those who have nothing.

Each year the middle class shrinks and the ranks of the working poor grow.  Slowly, methodically powerful corporations are creating a helpless class of people too tired and overworked to fight back.  Each year American students are becoming less and less educated.  School budgets have been dessimated in favor of military spending and prison building. As America continues to fight two endless wars, money is reallocated to support overseas projects rather than bolster U.S. jobs.  

Eventually we will be too sick, too poor and too stupid to stand up and say enough.

I am a working American.  I have a small business that is just starting.   I am a homeowner with a mortgage that is out-of-sink with the value of my home.  Each day I tread water.  Praying that I do not get too sick to work or that my clients can maintain their jobs so as to afford a basic haircut. My heart is heavy.  My mind is burdened by fear and I am loosing hope for the success of my country.  I feel powerless to stop the well funded, well oiled machine that is destroying my American Dream.  I watch as people around me struggle to keep their homes.  I listen to the daily numbers of job losses and home foreclosures.  A year ago I was a middle class American.  Now I worry how much longer we have before my partner finds gainful employment.  Will we have enough to cover the mortgage in two months.  My heart aches because I long to take a vacation but do not see the possibility on the near horizon.  And I have it better than many people out there.  At least I have a home and a business.

We (my partner and I) have begged our banks and credit card companies to lower our monthly payments. At least for awhile.  Even as they came to us the american taxpayer begging us for a bailout.  They turn their backs on us and our government condones this behavior.  Our government  allows its people to suffer.  We are the working folks.  The ones who pay the taxes while desperately chasing the dream.  Now we are stuck and need help. And NO ONE will help up.  Its devastating to realize no one cares.  

I must stop now, because its late and the more I write the angrier I get.  The more I know the less optimistic I am.  I wont give up being optimistic because that would tell the universe I give up!  WHat I want from the universe right now is goodness, honesty, compassion, civility and honor!  Is that asking too much?  Sometimes I fear it is.

Enough with The Smoking Already!

Ok, I have had it.  If I smoke one more cigarette after the one thats currently in my mouth, may satan rise up from the depths of hell (The Academy For Salon Professionals) and take my scrawny assed soul! Im 43 years old and my lungs are 103 years old.  Smoking for me has become something that is simply out of control. I light up without thinking. Smoke without any thought of the result. And toss my filthy cigarette butts everywhere without any concern for this precious rock we call earth.  I am sick of myself, sick of how I look, smell, taste!  Sick of what my clients must secretly think, sick of covering up my breath and b.o., sick of my yellow teeth.  I feel like a total scumbag.  I look around at other smokers and ask myself Do I look like that?  Its shameful and sad and I am not gonna slowly keep killing myself.  There is no telling how much damage I have already done to my body.  What an evil fucking drug.  

So here on my blog in front of my one reader, I declare that as of the last cigarette hanging from my mouth, I will no longer smoke.  

Yes I have said this 1000000000000000,01 times. And each time I mean it.  I do.  But its so HARD!  Anyone who reads this, please chime in with your support.  Hold me accountable.  Spank my butt hard if I light up.  As funny as Im attempting to make this, its so very seriously and I am running out of steam here.  My body is not happy with all the poison.  

If your reading this and your a smoker, Cut It Out!  Its not sexy, hip or fun!  Its down right nasty!  

Optimism

I must acknowledge my sincere respect and deep admiration of former President Bill Clinton.  When I read that he has gone to North Korea and negotiated the release of the two American journalists from a hard labor camp I was overcome with happiness.  

President Clinton has always been a mentor to me.  Regardless of all the scandal that surrounded him, regardless of the disastrous "Dont ask, Dont Tell" fiasco, he led this country through an era of unmatched prosperity and success.  I remember working on his first campaign for President.  He held a midnight madness rally at a small airport in Dallas Texas.  I was there with my friend Skotch Vail. We were young, optimistic and ready for the end of 8 years of Reagan and 4 years of George Bush Sr.  It was late, dark and chilly, but the air was full of electricity.  I had never before been involved in politics.  Primarily because I was young, but also because up until Clinton, the choices for a democratic president were poor.  Remember Michael Dukakis?  It felt like we stood on that tarmac for hours waiting for Mr. Clintons plane to arrive.  When the doors opened he, Hillary and Chelsea came out and the audience went crazy.  There he was, 30 feet away and larger than life.  Its one of those moments in life that I will never forget.  I was so proud, so honored to be there.  I felt, for once like my voice was being heard.  

Clintons last day in office was a very difficult day for me.  It felt as if the party was over and the police had arrived to shut the joint down.  An ominous cloud was slowly moving over Washington DC and everyone felt it.  The crime of the century had just been committed and no one could do a thing about it.  

I will not speak about the las 8 years.  Much has been made of it. But seeing Clinton today being the great statesmen that he is filled me with pride and optimism.  He is a true diplomat. And while people have very strong opinions about the Clintons, he is a hero to me.  And probably to the two young women who's lives he saved today.

Its the beginning of the beginning of a new day!

Hey Everybody, Im Blogging!

Its been something I have been meaning to get to.  You know, like washing the car or going to the dentist.  I put it off because starting seems painful.  But I'm glad I finally got to it.

I have to credit my dear, dear, sweet, big hearted gal friend Rebbeca Albinola for inspiring me.  She doesn't even know it, but her beautifully touching blog

strawberryzoo2.blogspot.com really touched me.  I never really knew what to blog about.  Who is the audience?  Then I read Rebbeca's and it hit me.  Its for everyone and no one at the same time. Sharing the day to day stuff.  Most people will become sleepy-sleepy while reading my stuff.   Hey, my life is not very exciting.  But I have A LOT of stuff to say:)  If to no one else, then to myself.  

If you find yourself reading this, happy reading.  You are welcome to put your in your two cents worth by commenting.  I have no direction for this blog, so it will probably meander about.  However, since my life revolves around the beauty business, thats probably a topic I will cover in depth.  Stay tuned and learn some insider tricks:)