Let it Out

I havent written in quite a while.  Busy, lazy, depressed.  Probably all of those.  Yet when I feel completely full, brimming with fear and anxiety, I find it theraputic to write.

Throughout my life I have kept journals.  I have journals dating back to the 80's.  Its interesting that twenty years later I still write about the same things.  And, just like in the past, I have long dry spells of no writing.  

But alas I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.  This is usually a sign that something major needs to change in my life and I am resisting it.  Its obvious to me that I have fallen into a rut and cannot get out.  This rut started when I moved to San Jose and began working at The Academy.  I am happy in San Jose.  But the day I started at The Academy, my life took on a level of stress and unhappiness that I have still not completely let go.  The negativity, hatefulness, selfishness, backstabbing and horrible lack of gratitude that I experienced there really took its toll on me.  Combine that with being laid off, paying a huge mortgage, seeing your spouse laid off and trying to navigate the worst enconomy in my life and you have the source of my anxiety and depression.

First, I have stopped working out.  Loosing the motivation and not being able to afford the gym any longer has made me lazy and sickly.  I see myself looking skinny, weak and tired.  I've lost most of my body and am starting to feel the effects of a bad diet, chain smoking and inactivity. This leads to poor mental health, low self esteme and illness.  Although I never speak about it I feel it deeply and it makes me very sad.  I find myself unable or unwilling to focus on anything for too long and sometimes feel like just giving up.   My outsides and my insides are starting to match.  Its getting harder and harder to motivate myself.  

There are many wonderful and happy things that have happened in my life this year.  And in spite of everything I am very grateful for my salon.  For Vince and for the strength of our relationship.  We have really propped each other up through a very dark and ugly year.  I am now starting to see just a tiny bit of light.  We have gotten our mortgage reduced by half.  Vince is interveiwing with two companies that pay well and offer great benefits.  The salon is really holding its own after only three months.   Now more than ever I have reason to feel happy.

So by putting this out there, I am acknowledging whats going on.   I've been in this place many years ago. So I know what I need to do.  Theres always a new day.  A new oportunity.  Without getting too sugary and self help bookish.