Life is Empty without Love

I've cried at least three times a week.  Possibly everyday.  I cry because I see the love of my life sad and afraid.  I cry because life can be very cruel.  Why do so many people suffer?  

My problems are mosquito bite on an elephants ass compared to many, many people.  Its hard to put in perspective how bad some people have it.  Many days I feel guilty simply for feeling down. How dare I feel sad when my partner gets laid off and we teeter on the edge of complete loss. Should  I not fear what will happen if my business fails?  If I cant earn a living because people just are not showing up in city busses and lining up for a 60 dollar haircut?  What's my problem? There are people who are starving, people who are homeless. People who by mere birth have every odd stacked against them.  I can no longer be convinced that there is some divine being out there looking out for his flock.  In the past I have always been the first one to accept the presence of the divine.  Jesus, Allah, God, Brahma,  I've tried them all.  I've prayed, chanted, sang, danced, screamed, meditated, lit candles, read holy books, spoke in tongues, fasted, feasted,  fed the poor.  I HAVE a religious history:)  Yet as I look around and see the systematic destruction of the poor and working class by the powerful, elite, bullies of this world, all faith in GOD vanishes.  

So when my heart is at its most fragile, and my strength at its lowest I look into the eyes of the man I have committed my life to and find my god.  My faith.  Suddenly I'm not afraid.  Love is really god.  Silly, maybe.  Cliche, Si!  Simple.............of course!  The human capacity to love is what separates us from amphibians.  And not just love, but trust and believe in.  Frogs really do not trust each other.  

If I had nothing left, I'd have Vince.  If illness ruins me financially, I still have Vince.  When I'm old, ugly and poop my britches, I will always have Vince!

We all have someone who love us.  We all have someone who loves us.  

Maybe its not a partner, husband, wife, spouse.  Maybe its a mom, dad, auntie, friend, friends, family.  We do not go it alone.  

The loss of all financial and material stuff will not kill me.  The fear of the loss of all financial and material stuff will also not kill me.  If I have my health I can get these things back.  As my high school choir teacher Joan Lamb says "no one ever said it was going to be easy".  

Look Around.  Take a moment to look at the face of the person you love.  Look a little longer than you might normally.  That is God.

If I lose people, If I lose love, life is empty.

Watching Democracy Die

Its Sunday evening and Im sitting in my backyard listening to the crickets chirp and enjoying the cool night.  Its been a long week.  I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo.  Starting a new business.  Praying that it succeeds.  Witnessing my partner Vince become overwhelmed by the fear of us loosing everything.  Thanks to this awful recession.  Thanks to our neutered politicians. Bickering and infighting while our nation slides slowly off a cliff.  Watching the livelihoods of millions of hardworking people be destroyed by selfish banks, powerful corporate lobbyists and greedy health insurance giants.  

What is happening to us? How will we recover from something so nasty when the people who lead us have become concerned only with protecting their own self interest.  Sacrificing the meek so the powerful can keep what they have.  Instead of true dialogue and intellectual debate town hall meetings have been replaced with screaming matches and threats of violence.  Politeness and civility has been crushed by puppets with an agenda.  Its more American to scream than to listen.  If your not angry, your not patriotic.  The media shows images of frightening confrontations by hostile protesters doing their best to destroy constructive discussion.  Watching democracy die.  Watching as the political process is obliterated by ignorant people acting as mouth pieces for the conservative agenda.  The god loving people who would rather save themselves than show compassion for those who have nothing.

Each year the middle class shrinks and the ranks of the working poor grow.  Slowly, methodically powerful corporations are creating a helpless class of people too tired and overworked to fight back.  Each year American students are becoming less and less educated.  School budgets have been dessimated in favor of military spending and prison building. As America continues to fight two endless wars, money is reallocated to support overseas projects rather than bolster U.S. jobs.  

Eventually we will be too sick, too poor and too stupid to stand up and say enough.

I am a working American.  I have a small business that is just starting.   I am a homeowner with a mortgage that is out-of-sink with the value of my home.  Each day I tread water.  Praying that I do not get too sick to work or that my clients can maintain their jobs so as to afford a basic haircut. My heart is heavy.  My mind is burdened by fear and I am loosing hope for the success of my country.  I feel powerless to stop the well funded, well oiled machine that is destroying my American Dream.  I watch as people around me struggle to keep their homes.  I listen to the daily numbers of job losses and home foreclosures.  A year ago I was a middle class American.  Now I worry how much longer we have before my partner finds gainful employment.  Will we have enough to cover the mortgage in two months.  My heart aches because I long to take a vacation but do not see the possibility on the near horizon.  And I have it better than many people out there.  At least I have a home and a business.

We (my partner and I) have begged our banks and credit card companies to lower our monthly payments. At least for awhile.  Even as they came to us the american taxpayer begging us for a bailout.  They turn their backs on us and our government condones this behavior.  Our government  allows its people to suffer.  We are the working folks.  The ones who pay the taxes while desperately chasing the dream.  Now we are stuck and need help. And NO ONE will help up.  Its devastating to realize no one cares.  

I must stop now, because its late and the more I write the angrier I get.  The more I know the less optimistic I am.  I wont give up being optimistic because that would tell the universe I give up!  WHat I want from the universe right now is goodness, honesty, compassion, civility and honor!  Is that asking too much?  Sometimes I fear it is.

Enough with The Smoking Already!

Ok, I have had it.  If I smoke one more cigarette after the one thats currently in my mouth, may satan rise up from the depths of hell (The Academy For Salon Professionals) and take my scrawny assed soul! Im 43 years old and my lungs are 103 years old.  Smoking for me has become something that is simply out of control. I light up without thinking. Smoke without any thought of the result. And toss my filthy cigarette butts everywhere without any concern for this precious rock we call earth.  I am sick of myself, sick of how I look, smell, taste!  Sick of what my clients must secretly think, sick of covering up my breath and b.o., sick of my yellow teeth.  I feel like a total scumbag.  I look around at other smokers and ask myself Do I look like that?  Its shameful and sad and I am not gonna slowly keep killing myself.  There is no telling how much damage I have already done to my body.  What an evil fucking drug.  

So here on my blog in front of my one reader, I declare that as of the last cigarette hanging from my mouth, I will no longer smoke.  

Yes I have said this 1000000000000000,01 times. And each time I mean it.  I do.  But its so HARD!  Anyone who reads this, please chime in with your support.  Hold me accountable.  Spank my butt hard if I light up.  As funny as Im attempting to make this, its so very seriously and I am running out of steam here.  My body is not happy with all the poison.  

If your reading this and your a smoker, Cut It Out!  Its not sexy, hip or fun!  Its down right nasty!  

Optimism

I must acknowledge my sincere respect and deep admiration of former President Bill Clinton.  When I read that he has gone to North Korea and negotiated the release of the two American journalists from a hard labor camp I was overcome with happiness.  

President Clinton has always been a mentor to me.  Regardless of all the scandal that surrounded him, regardless of the disastrous "Dont ask, Dont Tell" fiasco, he led this country through an era of unmatched prosperity and success.  I remember working on his first campaign for President.  He held a midnight madness rally at a small airport in Dallas Texas.  I was there with my friend Skotch Vail. We were young, optimistic and ready for the end of 8 years of Reagan and 4 years of George Bush Sr.  It was late, dark and chilly, but the air was full of electricity.  I had never before been involved in politics.  Primarily because I was young, but also because up until Clinton, the choices for a democratic president were poor.  Remember Michael Dukakis?  It felt like we stood on that tarmac for hours waiting for Mr. Clintons plane to arrive.  When the doors opened he, Hillary and Chelsea came out and the audience went crazy.  There he was, 30 feet away and larger than life.  Its one of those moments in life that I will never forget.  I was so proud, so honored to be there.  I felt, for once like my voice was being heard.  

Clintons last day in office was a very difficult day for me.  It felt as if the party was over and the police had arrived to shut the joint down.  An ominous cloud was slowly moving over Washington DC and everyone felt it.  The crime of the century had just been committed and no one could do a thing about it.  

I will not speak about the las 8 years.  Much has been made of it. But seeing Clinton today being the great statesmen that he is filled me with pride and optimism.  He is a true diplomat. And while people have very strong opinions about the Clintons, he is a hero to me.  And probably to the two young women who's lives he saved today.

Its the beginning of the beginning of a new day!

Hey Everybody, Im Blogging!

Its been something I have been meaning to get to.  You know, like washing the car or going to the dentist.  I put it off because starting seems painful.  But I'm glad I finally got to it.

I have to credit my dear, dear, sweet, big hearted gal friend Rebbeca Albinola for inspiring me.  She doesn't even know it, but her beautifully touching blog

strawberryzoo2.blogspot.com really touched me.  I never really knew what to blog about.  Who is the audience?  Then I read Rebbeca's and it hit me.  Its for everyone and no one at the same time. Sharing the day to day stuff.  Most people will become sleepy-sleepy while reading my stuff.   Hey, my life is not very exciting.  But I have A LOT of stuff to say:)  If to no one else, then to myself.  

If you find yourself reading this, happy reading.  You are welcome to put your in your two cents worth by commenting.  I have no direction for this blog, so it will probably meander about.  However, since my life revolves around the beauty business, thats probably a topic I will cover in depth.  Stay tuned and learn some insider tricks:)