Did Vince Get The Job?

Well, it looks very good. The County of Santa Clara has emailed Vince saying that they are only hung up on a salary approval.  That sounds very much like he's in.  They did tell him what the salary is and what the benefits are, so I am hopeful that they would not do that unless they are serious about him.  If this happens, it would be the most money Vince has ever earned and would mean the end of our struggles.  My goodness what an exciting thing

One less tooth

Oh What a day!  This nagging toohache turned into a full blown pain machine!  I could see how, in the not too distant past, people would commit suicide rather than endure a major toothache.  Yes  I neglected it, yes the dentist terrifies me.  But my last dentist really ripped me off.  She managed to deplete my dental insurance  maximum on cleanings!  Thats right, she had my teeth cleaned three times while telling me she would not deal with the tooth because it was too broken.  She recommended I see an oral surgeon to do it!  Except she didn't bother to recommend an actual orals surgeon.  Just that the type of dentist I need.  Not only did she not bother to help me find help for the tooth, she did no work on me at all.  Even the laser cleaning was not done by her, she just left me hanging with the pain.  So I called 1800-dentist and they found me an awesome female dentist who extracted the tooth in less than two minutes with no problem. She was nice, effective and honest.  I had to pay for it, but it only cost me 220 dollars and I like her so much now she will be my permanent dentist, and she will do all of the cosmetic and restorative work.

Thanks Ms. Ngyuen!  I think she's great!  So,,,,,,Since there is a whole in my mouth besides my mouth, I'm not gonna right much now.  OH the Agony!

History Will Be Made

The vote has been cast.  The healthcare bill has been approved.  And while its just a fragile victory, it has galvanized a movement to give the citizens of this country the fundamental right to healthcare coverage.  No longer do we have to suffer with the fear of becoming catastrophically ill  with no safety net.  I am proud of Nancy Pelosi for bearing the burden of this bill on her shoulders.  She has become an object of hatred and scorn yet continues to lead effectively.

How many of us have sought employment simply because the healthcare benefits are good?  How many of us have had to worry about loosing that job because we fear having no healthcare?  And finally, how many of us have ever known what its like to not have health care?

Its a fact that people who have health insurance are actually healthier than people who do not. I am ashamed of the hostile opposition to this issue.  These hateful, angry, ugly people should suffer without health insurance themselves for all the nastiness they have spread around.  They are a disgusting virus that spreads itself by attacking good people and attempting to destroy them in their tracks.  My prayer is that their mouths are silenced, but I know that will never happen.

I have lived for years with chronic illness.  I have lived many years without health insurance.  I know first hand what its like to fight for healthcare.  Likewise, I know what its like to be denied health coverage.  It is a humiliating place to be.  

Peace be with you!

Facebook Free

Ive permanently said goodbye to facebook. Its like sending your children off to college only less expensive.

I started feeling my political and social commentary were getting a bit personal and heated on facebook. While I wish to challenge people to think, I do not want to throw too much of my liberal pie in the innocent onlookers face. Here, I can rant and rave all a I want.

I finding writing to be cathartic. Likewise, I find writing which others my read to be even more cathartic. Life is too short and times are too troubled to simply be quiet. To be polite. Many of the issues facing the people of the U.S. are exciting, upsetting and require speaking out. I hope to do that here and on twitter with the comfort of knowing Im not offending young viewers:)

Stay tuned, welcome.

Let it Out

I havent written in quite a while.  Busy, lazy, depressed.  Probably all of those.  Yet when I feel completely full, brimming with fear and anxiety, I find it theraputic to write.

Throughout my life I have kept journals.  I have journals dating back to the 80's.  Its interesting that twenty years later I still write about the same things.  And, just like in the past, I have long dry spells of no writing.  

But alas I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.  This is usually a sign that something major needs to change in my life and I am resisting it.  Its obvious to me that I have fallen into a rut and cannot get out.  This rut started when I moved to San Jose and began working at The Academy.  I am happy in San Jose.  But the day I started at The Academy, my life took on a level of stress and unhappiness that I have still not completely let go.  The negativity, hatefulness, selfishness, backstabbing and horrible lack of gratitude that I experienced there really took its toll on me.  Combine that with being laid off, paying a huge mortgage, seeing your spouse laid off and trying to navigate the worst enconomy in my life and you have the source of my anxiety and depression.

First, I have stopped working out.  Loosing the motivation and not being able to afford the gym any longer has made me lazy and sickly.  I see myself looking skinny, weak and tired.  I've lost most of my body and am starting to feel the effects of a bad diet, chain smoking and inactivity. This leads to poor mental health, low self esteme and illness.  Although I never speak about it I feel it deeply and it makes me very sad.  I find myself unable or unwilling to focus on anything for too long and sometimes feel like just giving up.   My outsides and my insides are starting to match.  Its getting harder and harder to motivate myself.  

There are many wonderful and happy things that have happened in my life this year.  And in spite of everything I am very grateful for my salon.  For Vince and for the strength of our relationship.  We have really propped each other up through a very dark and ugly year.  I am now starting to see just a tiny bit of light.  We have gotten our mortgage reduced by half.  Vince is interveiwing with two companies that pay well and offer great benefits.  The salon is really holding its own after only three months.   Now more than ever I have reason to feel happy.

So by putting this out there, I am acknowledging whats going on.   I've been in this place many years ago. So I know what I need to do.  Theres always a new day.  A new oportunity.  Without getting too sugary and self help bookish. 

Just to Say Thanks.

I've never experienced a recession quite like this.  Its slow, menacing and takes few prisoners.  I'm watching as it devours many people around me.  Including me.  Including Vince.  My positive outlook on life is being challenged.  I understand and am ok with the fact that my business is new and needs to grow legs.  So far, the feedback has been great. Although I've had a few slow days, overall Orange Crush Studios is holding its own.  But my partner in life, the person I love infinitely is suffering big time.  The day he walked in the house holding the few belongings he brought from his work cubicle.  The moment I saw him standing in the hallway at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday, I fell to the floor crying.  The look on his face.  The sweetness, the sadness.  It was more than I could take.  I knew at that moment he was beaten.  The monster got him.  Now he bartends just to bring home a bit of cash.  He cleans the bar for extra money.  He is paralyzed by fear.  I cant begin to describe how this makes me feel.  We had so much potential.  Big plans.  Security.  Now its gone.  

I'd like to say I am optimistic.  On some level I suppose I am, simply because I have no choice.  I believe in Vince.  He is a good man and a very hard worker.  But we are scared shitless.  

I'm writing this because its the only way I get some relief.  We are ordinary people who just want to earn a living. My heart goes out to everyone who has worked so hard only to have the rug pulled out from under them.  

This has been a difficult post.  But I love Vince with all my heart and truly pray that he will find a good job.  There must some good to balance out all the bad.  I pray that my salon will be so successful that I am amble to take care of both us without worry.  

But we vowed to weather the storm together.  We vowed to support each other in good times and bad.  Whatever I can do to ease this burden, give me the strength to do.

Depression Steals The Show!

Hello, 

Its late, 12:31 AM on Saturday.  I just left my bar tending job at Renegades.  I usually work there on Friday nights and the first Sunday of the month for club "Butch"  the bear club.  Even though I'm tired from working all day at the salon, I really do not mind working at the bar on Friday nights.  As long as I leave around midnight, I'm happy to be there because I get to work with Vince and I get to see all the regulars.  Its a local, neighborhood bar that serves great drinks at a low price with no frills.  Its a true bar-bar.  Nothing fancy, a pool table, some pinball machines, darts and a smoking patio.  

What makes Renegades so great is the fact that no one really judges you by your looks, your clothes, your hair or your shoes.  There is a big picnic table out back and all the regulars sit around the table, smoking their cigarettes and discussing just about anything from politics to gay rights.  Maybe they are one in the same.  The table would be surrounded by some of the most unattractive men on the planet.  Each with varying degrees of scirosis and lung cancer.  Drinking and smoking away while discussing whatever current event or tidbit of news that made the headlines that week.  I could walk out there to clean an ashtray, take a drink order or have my non-existent ass squeezed.  Promises of love and marriage or hot sex from a bunch of genuinely nice, ugly men.  I look forward to seeing them.  Look forward to the familiar voices and faces.  Somehow it just feels incredibly honest and sweet.  I have my register and Vince has the main.  He'd bark at me for spending too much outside smoking and that would be true.  And while I truly worry that one of these guys will not make it to the "little shop of horrors" weekly round table, I sincerely worry when one is missing for more than a week. "Did she drive her plymouth off a cliff".  Na, there's a true affection here and I'm always glad I showed up.    Rarely do couples get the chance to work together.  Vince is a master bartender.  Not only does he make a great drink, he makes a great listener, confidant, friend.  I just step back, take orders and attempt to mimic him.  I've always wanted to learn to bar tend.  Sexy ya know. Well maybe twenty years ago when I felt the same.  Its a job, tips are good and people look forward to seeing you.  Cant complain.

So now I'm home.  It's 1:12 am.  Nows when the unexpected guest arrives.  Depression with a capital D.  MY depression is different than your depression.  It's more pressing, more urgent.  It screams "pay attention to me now goddamnit!  :)  Depression, the executioner of joy.  The uninvited party guest.  Depression steals the show.

Its not because its late, because I'm tired, because I get to spend the night in a place where people are trying to drink it away or go to bed with it.  It's just there.  Quiet and patient.  Waiting for all the positive thoughts to vanish into ether.  Foreboding and omnipresent.  This blog entry is not meant to be sad or, depressing. HA!   It's meant to shine a light on what is always there, somewhere.  I grew up with it, my family suffers it, most of the world experiences it.  So alas Im not alone.  What I'm writing about is really just to publicly acknowledge it.   "Hey everybody Lonnie gets depressed"!  Trying to take the teeth out of it so it doesn't eat me.  I think depression moves across all socioeconomic borders.  Come on, you can't tell me Paris Hilton wasn't depressed when she landed in the slammer.  Without her cute lap dog.  Even if it was for a minute.  We all face it.  Sometimes mine is just a stinker.  But when it comes, it sucks all the potential out of everything.  All the fun. During the day I can work to keep it at bay.  Poke it with a stick if you will.  But at night Im utterly defenseless.  Vince can see it on me.  I have no rational reason for feeling depressed.  But then again, is it really about rationality?  

I think my depression stems from my skill at making myself feel unworthy of love.  Questioning every action and motive of  anyone says anything nice.  "How can you really like me?"  "I'm really a fraud, a fake, a charlatan.  When you  figure this out you'll be out of here.  My depression makes me feel unworthy of love. So the question is where and when do I let it go?  At what point do I say to myself "hey, your a great guy"?  And believe it.  So complex, so simple.  The brain is a powerful organ.  There's much I'm still figuring out.  I guess I'll just acknowledge it for now .  It's all an illusion.

I've never written a blog before.  Never put myself there for criticism.  I'll wake up tomorrow and start over again.